I wish my
bladder would respect my bedtime.
Not long ago-
and not for the first time- there I was, middle of winter in the middle of the
night, facing a big and hairy scary thing when I should have been snug as a bug
in bed.
I was under
the false apprehension that creepy crawlies had gone into hibernation for the
wintertime. And since it had been a mighty cold winter, I, like other ophidiophobes (and arachnophobes) was feeling
relatively confident that we wouldn't be crossing paths anytime soon.
My mistake.
On a regular
trip to the wheelie bin with some household waste I encountered an eerie little
8 legged critter residing right under the lid I lifted. And despite the chill
in the air, and the aforementioned myth that the larger species of snakes and
spiders go to sleep in the winter,
I can assure you, Incy Wincy it wasn't!
I don't know
who was more startled- or indeed who moved faster- Mr Hairylegs or me. Might've
been a dead heat, actually. Moving in opposite directions, of course.
So you can appreciate
my reaction on a night-time trip to the toilet not long afterwards.
I don't know
about you but when nature calls in the night, I try not to wake anyone else. I
crawl out of bed, tiptoe around to the ensuite bathroom, and ever so quietly
slide the door open and shut, lift the lid and go about my business. I even
installed a phosphorescent toilet seat so I can be guided by the glow to where
I need to go. Saves turning on the light. Saves a bit of my power bill.
There is a
downside to this, as I have previously discovered.
My Beloved,
on the other hand, has no such qualms. Throws the covers off, rolls out of bed,
slams open the sliding door, slams it shut again, flings up the toilet seat,
and goes about his business. Then slams everything shut again and bounces back
into bed; almost bouncing me out the other side (note to self: we REALLY need a
new mattress).
After recent
events I won't be quite so diligent.
Usual story,
I am rudely awakened from unconscious bliss by my bladder, but being chilly I
chuck on my slippers before hitting the tiles. I head into the bathroom when I
spy out of the corner of my still half-asleep eyes, a dark fuzzy shape on the
floor by the bowl. So, slipper in hand, I most valiantly and enthusiastically
kill....my hair elastic.
Yep I well
and truly whacked the crap out of a hair band that had in fact fallen out of my hair en route to the loo in the dark.
But I am proud to report not a single squeak came from my mouth during the
entire episode (thankfully, none of my other body parts betrayed themselves
either).
Not that it
matters, as my Beloved has been known to sleep through thunderstorms, phone
calls, fire alarms, one time he even slept soundly as a neighbour banged on the
window right above his head! And how
many times did he wake refreshed in the morning after I'd been up all night
with a crying baby. Must be part of the Y chromosome, as it's a skill set most
fathers seem to possess (leaving most mothers saying: "Why?!")
It's just as
well I am not one of those helpless females who need their white knight to ride
to her rescue when it comes to creepy crawlies. Or anything that goes bump in
the night, for that matter. Many a time I have ventured forth from the bedroom
to investigate a mysterious sound without
a man to hide behind. In fact my
man is behind in bed, no doubt being all brave and manly in dreamland!
Yes, yes, I
know the number one rule of horror films: don't
go out there alone. But sometimes you don't have the choice (and happy to
say most times, there isn't any bogeyman waiting in the wings).
Spiders,
though, that's another story.
I've often
encountered the little critters on their night-time hunting, while I do the
protector thing and check on my children. I even keep a can of spray handy for times I need
to defend life and limb as quietly as possible (after all, this is Australia, home
to some of the world's most poisonous species).
But I've
never had to kill a hair band before.
Chance are, I
never will again.
Jx
©2012
