Just Add Water

Science states that the human body is up to 70% water.

Evolutionists say that life as we know it crawled out of the ocean some 3-4 billion years ago.

You only have to watch what happens when particular humans are placed near a body of water to see that it's true.

Take what happened to us late last year.

I noticed our front garden was looking a little lush, considering the lack of attention we give it - first a bit of extra moisture, then a trickle, then a faster flow into the carport beside.

It got to a point that the men of the neighbourhood did as men do, stood around and discussed the matter. After a suitable length of time, and appropriate number of beers, the menfolk decided a natural spring had sprung up in the midst of the front foliage.   

And left it at that.

Until the local Water Board left a little card in the mailbox saying our water usage was "higher than usual".  Still my Beloved thought it nothing of consequence, it was summertime after all and kids being kids had been splashing about a bit in recent times.

When the Water Board left a message on the phone that our bill was on its way and it was, again, a little higher than usual, I felt a trickle of concern.

It turned into a full blown flood the day the bill appeared- December 21. Whereas our regular bill was around the $400 mark, this one came in at $4521.18 (was that 18 cents really necessary?) I mean to say: Four Thousand, Five Hundred Dollars!! A "little higher"? Yes, like Lady Liberty is a little statue!

A discussion with the Water Board had me trying to track down a plumber to come take a look. Good luck with that, 4 days before Christmas. 45 minutes and countless phone calls later I still had not found a tradie willing to come before the holidays; the earliest any of them offered was the 4th of January!  Forget the sugarplums, I had visions of dollar bills running down the driveway. So back to the Water Board I go and beg them to help me find someone suitable to assess the situation. Finally a company agrees, for only $150 call out, plus $90 an hour. 

There go the kids' Christmas presents. I need a Secret Santa, stat!

Anyhow, plumber comes at the crack of dawn next day (pun fully intended, you know what tradespeople are like) and there's me out in the garden in my pjs, with him saying "You need someone with underground detection gear to find the pipe and save a lot of digging". I make no assumptions on the intelligence of the plumbing profession, but Einstein he ain't. So, why, I ask, did your company not send someone with said gear? His advice was to get someone else to do the dirty work, unless I was willing to pay two blokes the hourly rate apiece. Yeah, no.

Armed with shovels my Beloved and neighbouring blokes started shifting soil.

4 hours later, 6 feet down and 8 feet along, they found where the water was coming from.

But we seemed to have misplaced our menfolk.

Instead we had mud monsters of various shapes and sizes, three grown men had a total and terrific transformation back to boyhood, they were having so much fun playing in the mud. 

Our actual children, on the other hand, stood well back from the filth, in their gumboots. 

The womenfolk were standing a little further back again, armed with various  cameras and recording devices, capturing the moment for posterity...just in case one of the aforementioned fellas did something that might win us the big bucks on those Funniest Home Video Shows.

Sadly, while there was a lot of laughter, cursing, and occasionally squealing from 'the pit' (yes, squealing), there wasn't any footage worth submitting. Happily, they found where the Water Board were making their money, and after more swearing and squealing, they were able to clamp it off until the plumber could come back - using a system that would have made MacGyver proud- a bit of wire, a rubber glove, some duct tape, and a plastic bag.

They caused such a spectacle that the neighbours across the street had set up deckchairs and were sitting, drinking, and cheering everytime the water got turned back on and the men started their swearing and squealing again.

After much mirth and way too much mud, the boys reckoned their rubber glove/duct tape/clamp combination would do the job until the professionals came back (at the crack of dawn the next day). Surprisingly, it did.

Now all we had to do was unearth (literally) our spouses, by way of the garden hose on the lawn- no way was that much mud coming inside our homes.

And after a bit more begging, pleading, and form-filling for the Water Board, they accepted our submission that the original water pipe had simply given way due to old age (happens to us all), and they reduced the bill from 4-and-a-half grand, to a mere 500-hundred-and-something.  Plus the plumber's bill.

The kids got their Christmas presents after all.

The neighbours got a new drinking game out of it.

And next time the neighbourhood needs a bit of cheering up, we'll just add water.

Jx

©2012

It Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time

There’s a dirty big truck that’s been stuck in our front yard for the past day or so.

It’s because it’s big that it’s dirty and it’s because it’s big and dirty that it’s stuck.

Oh it all started out so innocently, but a few poor decisions added up to one whole lotta trouble.

See, the neighbours are planning on building a new back deck. Before they can do this they need to remove a tree next to the driveway to allow access to their backyard. We happen to share that driveway. At this stage it was so far so good and we had no complaints about the planned removal (the tree drops leaves and funny little spiky pods all over the driveway each autumn making a bloody big mess and slippery to boot).

So there they were, 4 blokes merrily chopping and chipping the liquid amber that overlooks the drive. But instead of backing the truck in off the street (then just driving it straight out again), they drove it in and tried to back it out. That was mistake number 1.

This is where the fun really begins!

The driver apparently had a minor moment of panic about how to go about getting out again as the now fully-laden truck started sliding down the drive towards the drop at the bottom (the aforementioned leaves and recent rain making it even more slippery). Mistake number 2.

The smell of burning clutch was our first indication that something was not quite right outside so the kids and my Beloved decided to go investigate. The driver has managed to stop the truck before it went over the edge of the yard (which drops almost straight down into the bushland reserve below), but failed to do so before all but one tyre left the concrete. So now my Beloved offers his assistance, and his ute. He manages to pull the hopper trailer off the back of the truck (with 3 of the tree guys helping) and drags it across the driveway, leaving scrapes and tyre marks as he goes (what can I say, little ute versus big tree chipper).

The truck driver, on the other hand, has decided to get back in the truck and have another go at backing up. Mistake number 3.

By now the stench of burning rubber has wafted into the house to join the smell of burn-out clutch (and wreaking havoc with my plans for dinner, I can tell you).

Not willing to quit while he’s, um, already behind, the truck driver has another go…and succeeds in ploughing up enough mud for us to plant at least 3 rows of vegies, or another small tree. And still the truck is stuck in the muck.

The fellas in their combined wisdom decide to chock the wheels with some nearby timber. Mistake number 4. We now have almost as many woodchips on the outside of the truck as in it!

Not keen to give up just yet, the men then try propping the wheels with blocks. Mistake number 5- as both blocks and tyres disappear into the soggy boggy mess that was our front yard.

So they enlist the help of a friend’s 4WD and try to tow the truck out. Mistake number 6- now the truck and 4WD have almost totally burnt out clutches (and I have an even more beautiful aroma through my home).

Next they call in another mate with another truck and try using that to haul the stuck truck out. That was mistake number 7 as all they managed to do was pull the 2nd truck’s rear bumper clean off.

The truck has now been stuck for over 3 hours, has developed a dangerous lean to the left, and night has fallen. Deciding that perhaps they would have more success in daylight, they leave truck and trailer smack bang in our front yard, and go home (presumably for a beer or six). Except for the guy whose bumper fell off, he rings our doorbell asking my Beloved if he could help him carry it up to the road- it was too heavy for him alone, poor dear.

Since they weren’t planning on coming back ‘til 10.30am I wasn’t worried about getting my car out for the morning school run. Obviously the boss was a little more stressed about his heavy machinery parked in our garden and turns up before I had even managed to get the kids fully dressed and out the door. So I chased said kids into the car, telling them to finish putting socks, shoes, jumpers, and hats on, while I tore off out the driveway before I was blocked in for the day.

I then figured I’d give them space and time to remove the truck, so took yet another car for a test drive (I don’t know what I’ll do to kill time when I finally find the right vehicle!) but was amused when I arrived home to see even more men, even more equipment, and one truck still stuck. (Oh and did I mention it had started to rain again?)

From what I gather (with an occasional peek out the window) they’ve used a bobcat to dig around the bogged up wheels (sunk in up to the axle they were!) used some stronger better chocks to prop up the tyres, and then another bigger truck to pull the bugger out (and this one kept its bumper bar)!

All up, 9 men, 5 vehicles, and almost 24 hours. Lord only knows how many mistakes in all.

Plus we now have a freshly ploughed field for a front yard, and a driveway that looks like it's just hosted the 2009 Drag Racing Championships.

Maybe next time they’ll back it in…or better yet, park it on the street.

Jx
©2009