Daddy's Girl

So the circle of life continues.

The man partly responsible for bringing me into this world, is by all accounts about to leave it.

I don’t know this for a fact, as he left my world some 30-odd years ago, when I was about the same age my daughter is.

But I’m told that the same disease my mother was battling at the time he left, is attacking my father now.

See, another circle.

To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about it.

Sure, I feel bad that Cancer has reared its ugly head again- I don’t wish it on anyone.

Yes I am sorry that someone is suffering, with no brilliant prognosis this time.

True, there is concern that people dear to me are upset about it.

Of course I should be sad that someone I know is in pain.

But the whole what-am-I-going-to-do-my-dad-is-dying thing, well I just can’t come at.

Because - truth be told - I lost my father a long time ago; I’ve done my grieving already, aged 8.

A lady I know recently buried her dad with whom she had a…shall we say challenging relationship. Without breaching her privacy or her pain, it was a similar story: he left, didn’t have a lot to do with them, and time ran out before the break was properly healed.

Yet she had the bravery, and inner beauty, to speak a Eulogy for him. She revisited the good times and the bad, and bid him farewell the best way she could: with honesty and humour.

I wish I could say the same thing for the man I know as father.

If I do get to talk with him before he goes, I might say thank you for having me. After all, without his input I wouldn’t be here now.  And I might smile at a cherished memory or two that survived the fallout that befell our family. I would even wish him well for the next part of his journey.  But I cannot tell him I love him. (Nor do I loathe him, just for the record.)

And hopefully one day I can find the words to explain to my children why they never met their grandfather, for all his faults.

So all I can do is this: support my family as they support him, and pray that when the circle of life rolls around again, there is no break in the bond between my own offspring and me.

Daddy’s Little Girl (©1986)

daddy, aren’t i your little girl? aren’t i your ‘supa-kid’?

well, then, why did you leave me here, wondering what i did?

your clothes are gone, your cupboard’s bare, not much is left behind.

your crucifix stays on our wall, one thing left to remind.

please daddy, won’t you come back home? we all miss you so much.

my friends still have their daddies here- a real daddy to touch.

but daddy’s gone, he left me here, he didn’t want his child.

so now it’s just the 4 of us, one less reason to smile.

my daddy’s gone away, you see, he doesn’t really care.

‘cause when i cry his name at night i know he’s never there.

but daddy, i’ll grow up someday, i hope with no regrets-

but when you leave your little girl

the pain’s hard to forget.

Jx

©2011