So the circle
of life continues.
The man partly
responsible for bringing me into this world, is by all accounts about to leave
it.
I don’t know
this for a fact, as he left my world
some 30-odd years ago, when I was about the same age my daughter is.
But I’m told that
the same disease my mother was battling at the time he left, is attacking my
father now.
See, another circle.
To be honest,
I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about it.
Sure, I feel
bad that Cancer has reared its ugly head again- I don’t wish it on anyone.
Yes I am sorry
that someone is suffering, with no brilliant prognosis this time.
True, there is
concern that people dear to me are upset about it.
Of course I
should be sad that someone I know is in pain.
But the whole
what-am-I-going-to-do-my-dad-is-dying thing, well I just can’t come at.
Because - truth be told - I lost my father a long time ago; I’ve done my grieving already, aged
8.
A lady I know
recently buried her dad with whom she had a…shall we say challenging
relationship. Without breaching her privacy or her pain, it was a similar
story: he left, didn’t have a lot to do with them, and time ran out before the
break was properly healed.
Yet she had the
bravery, and inner beauty, to speak a Eulogy for him. She revisited the good
times and the bad, and bid him farewell the best way she could: with honesty
and humour.
I wish I could
say the same thing for the man I know as father.
If I do get to
talk with him before he goes, I might say thank you for having me. After all,
without his input I wouldn’t be here now.
And I might smile at a cherished memory or two that survived the fallout
that befell our family. I would even wish him well for the next part of his
journey. But I cannot tell him I love
him. (Nor do I loathe him, just for the record.)
And hopefully one
day I can find the words to explain to my children why they never met their
grandfather, for all his faults.
So all I can
do is this: support my family as they support him, and pray that when the
circle of life rolls around again, there is no break in the bond between my own
offspring and me.
Daddy’s Little Girl (©1986)
daddy, aren’t i your little girl? aren’t i your
‘supa-kid’?
well, then, why did you leave me here,
wondering what i did?
your clothes are gone, your cupboard’s bare,
not much is left behind.
your crucifix stays on our wall, one thing
left to remind.
please daddy, won’t you come back home? we all
miss you so much.
my friends still have their daddies here- a
real daddy to touch.
but daddy’s gone, he left me here, he didn’t
want his child.
so now it’s just the 4 of us, one less
reason to smile.
my daddy’s gone away, you see, he doesn’t
really care.
‘cause when i cry his name at night i know
he’s never there.
but daddy, i’ll grow up someday, i hope with
no regrets-
but when you leave your little girl
the pain’s hard to forget.
Jx
©2011
